ABC's 'True Beauty': Train Wreck TV

ABC has a new tv reality series co-produced by Ashton Kutcher and Tyra Banks. It's called True Beauty. In this little gem, contestants believe they are vying for a Who's-The-Most-Beautiful Title, and to some degree, they are. But this show has more... This show also has the extra added attraction of trying to sniff out who is the most beautiful inside because we all know that outer beauty is only skin deep. It's that darn ol' elusive inner beauty that really counts.

There are 3 judges whose mission it is to uncover the "True" Beauty underlying the on-the-surface-only Beauty all the shallow contestants keep reminding us they've individually got locked up better than the chastity of those 72 virgins in terrorist heaven. Those Judges are:

1. Vanessa Mannillo, a vapid-headed but oh-so-sincere hostess who seems to honestly believe that opening doors for messengers carrying too many cups of coffee is a real character definer.


2. Cheryl Tiegs, a former Supermodel and Cover Girl who is now 106 years old, has stuffed her face with botox so she's got that moon-face look usually achieved by taking tons of steroids, and that flat monotonous voice of hers hasn't improved one iota over the years. Apparently she's now one of those annoying Greenies, which, for some reason, makes her one of the people perfect to judge what stimulates inner beauty.


3. Nole Marin, who, I'm sure, in a former life, was assigned the job of hiding under the bridge to scare off Billy Goat Gruff. Troll Marin has also achieved that steroid-induced moon-face appearance which just goes to show you that botox isn't really necessary if you can eat yourself into roundness chic.

Together Tiegs and Marin have not managed to form one single solitary complete sentence distinguishable from grunts by the use of adjectives and other verbal modifiers.

Each week the contestants are given an assignment which they believe will showcase the reason why they are each the most beautiful person in the competition. Only viewers, the judges, and eventually the weekly losers know the REAL intent of this contest is to highlight "True" beauty which has nothing whatsoever to do with clothes, personality, or age.

Try as it might to convince the viewing audience that its purpose is to uncover the guts of a real-life Miss/Mr Goody Twoshoes to astonish us all with truth, justice, and the American way all decked out in razzle and dazzle, the fact of the matter is that before the eventual loser of the week is booted from the show, the mean-spiritedness of this whole project comes to light. The loser is forced to be humiliated by taped evidence that he or she really is a no-good, semi-evil, snake-in-the-grass whose secret portrait in the Beauty Attic has just sprung two or three more pus-encrusted facial ulcers along with massive zits that would need spelunking equipment to scale. The loser is not permitted to fade into oblivion until the degradation exercise is complete. Only then may that shell of a beauty imposter slink off the tacky, pretentious True Beauty set in shame.

This is indeed Train Wreck TV at its finest. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

What Did They Do With The Coconut?

Dear International Delight,

There seems to be a flavor war going on for domination of the non-dairy creamer market. As a devoted coffee drinker, I'm part of the targeted demographic. I take this very seriously, and because I do that, I'm aware that what you people promise on your labels is not necessarily what we taste when we add it to our hot beverage. Case in point: Your new "Limited Edition" White Chocolate Coconut Coffee Creamer. Granted, adding this particular flavor to my coffee does sweeten it, but "White Chocolate Coconut"? Puhleeeeeze.

What is it about you guys who want to use the flavor of coconut to attract us but seem to forget to add it into the finished product? I've bought coffee that says it's got an element of coconut flavor. It doesn't. And I've tried a bunch of different kinds made by different coffee manufacturers. The only one that tells the truth about coconut is the one who makes strictly Coconut Coffee. Anyone who promises it as part of the overall flavor combined with other ingredients tells huge whopping lies. The same holds true for non-dairy coffee creamers. You, Sir, should be ashamed.

I defy anyone to taste this new product of yours and find even a slight aftertaste of coconut. Once again the consumer has been hornswoggled by big business.

Next time someone in R & D gets the brilliant idea to toss coconut into the mix of some new product, it might be in your best interest to actually put coconut or the flavor of coconut into it. You may be able to coax me into buying your bogus product once, but I can assure you, I won't make the mistake of believing you again.

Best Wishes,

Cheesypoofs

Thoughts On Half Of Hubris

I'm about halfway through Hubris: The Inside Story Of Spin, Scandal, and the Selling of the Iraq War. The research that went into the writing of this book was quite extensive. It's written as a time line which is the way with most books of this type. For me, the book reads like a political thriller, but then I like to read books like this one where the author presents what led up to the incident under the microscope of public consumption and the media circus atmosphere. In following on-going events, there's too much speculation and downright garbage tossed in with the isolated fact or two because tv pundits have time to fill, and they'll do that by whatever means possible. That would include making stuff up if necessary.

I know I'm supposed to be appalled and very very put out with the Bush Administration for pushing the Iraq War on my country. That has been evident for the entire time our military has been valiantly fighting in what I believe is the armpit of the world. The thing is, though, there are no clear cut conclusions that can be reached from any of the intelligence our country or any other country had about what in blazes was going on in Iraq with either WMD's or sponsoring terrorism. The best intelligence gathering could do was express a likelihood about whether such and such a piece of information was accurate. Which means to me that while apparently the Bush Administration was wrong about some conclusions they reached before invading Iraq, so was the rest of the world's intelligence gathering organizations. We were not the only country who had information leading to the conclusion that Iraq was up to no good with WMD's and terrorist sponsorship. All anyone could ever say was, "They probably don't..." or "It's not likely they do..." when asked to defend a position in disagreement with those who believed something different about Hussein than what the Coalition Forces believed.

I'm not letting Bush or anyone in his administration off the hook completely, but I'm not going to get my dress up over my head in shocked and devastated betrayal because NOW the media tells me I was lied to. Yeah? Well, if Bush had been right, and there's every possibility he could have been, there'd be a different tune being sung, and that ol' mission WOULD have been accomplished.

But there's something else on my mind that I'm learning through reading Hubris and that is that Former Ambassador Joe Wilson is a complete and total shit. That man caused a whole lot of trouble NOT because he gave a fat rat's ass about whether the American people got the whole truth, snippets of truth, or no truth at all. No, Joe Wilson has a monumental ego plus he's an attention whore. He wanted the world to know that he knew something about one piece of information included in the lead up to the decision to invade Iraq. He never for a moment stopped to consider the jeopardy into which he was placing his wife, her job, her contacts in her job, or even his family. All he cared about was making noise enough to get some prime time attention for himself. It was all a huge pissing contest, and Valerie Plame Wilson lost without ever being given the necessary equipment to compete.

If I were Valerie Plame Wilson, I would dump Joe Wilson in the nearest yellowcake uranium mine and let him rot there forever. I haven't read anything to indicate Valerie Wilson even made Joe sleep on the couch for a while, but I hope she held him accountable for at least some of the trouble he brought down on her unsuspecting head.

There's gotta be justice for somethings, and spousal betrayal should bring with it a death sentence. And you can quote me on that.